Skip to content

100 Most Funny Quotes That Will Make Your Day

Funny quotes can brighten anyone’s day by injecting a dose of humor and positivity into their routine.

Laughter triggered by a clever or witty remark can instantly lift spirits, reduce stress, and create a more light-hearted atmosphere.

It often provides a fresh perspective on daily challenges, making them seem less daunting.

Sharing a humorous quote can also strengthen social bonds, as it encourages laughter and shared enjoyment among friends, family, or colleagues.

Ultimately, the simple act of reading or hearing a funny quote can transform a mundane moment into an opportunity for joy and connection.

BEST FUNNY QUOTES

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“I refuse to answer that question because I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown

“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” – Unknown

“I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!” – Unknown

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Bill Murray

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry)

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

“I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.” – Unknown

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown

“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” – Ouiser Boudreaux (Steel Magnolias)

“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Unknown

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would cut into my sitting around time.” – Maria Bamford

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Cheers!” – Unknown

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

“All generalizations are false, including this one.” – Mark Twain

“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.” – Unknown

“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” – Unknown

“Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Unknown

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright

“I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” – Unknown

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

“Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.” – Unknown

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” – Derek Bok

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now.” – Unknown

“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” – Unknown

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson

“I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.” – Unknown

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott (The Office)

“If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.” – Unknown

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Friends)

“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.” – Bertrand Russell

“It’s only when you’re flying above it that you realize how incredible the Earth really is.” – Philippe Perrin

“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman in a room together.” – Unknown

“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.” – Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock.” – Henny Youngman

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.” – Bill Murray

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.” – Unknown

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” – Steven Wright

“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.” – Bill Vaughan

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!” – Unknown

“If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner

“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Coop

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *